Meghan couldn't be left alone in the palace because she had suicidal thoughts: "I didn't want to be alive anymore"

Meghan couldn't be left alone in the palace because she had suicidal thoughts: "I didn't want to be alive anymore"

In the recent interview with Oprah, Prince Harry revealed the state of his relationship with his family back home.

No longer weighed down by the rules, protocols, and mountainous expectations of the British monarchy, Meghan Markle has finally let out the true extent of how miserable she felt while living as British Royalty. Soon after she tied the knot in a lavish ceremony with Prince Harry, she became lonely and isolated, and at one point of time, she didn't even leave the house for months together.

In an interview aired by CBS, the Duchess of Sussex told Oprah Winfrey that she "could not feel lonelier" during this time, had even begun thinking of self-harm, and had suicidal thoughts.

"I didn't want to be alive anymore," Markle said as she grew emotional. "I was ashamed to admit it to Harry but I knew if I didn't say it, I would do it. I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. It was clear, it was real, it was frightening, and it was a constant thought."

Prince Harry, Meghan Markle, Prince William, Kate Middleton, Prince Charles, and Camilla, at the Commonwealth Day Service 2020 on March 9, 2020 in London, England. (Source: Getty Images | Photo by Phil Harris - WPA Pool)

At the time, she was told that she was not an employee and hence, could not turn to anyone for help within the royal family. It also wasn't possible for her to get herself admitted to a hospital because that would taint the royal family's image and Markle joked, "You can't just call an Uber to the palace," as reported by USA TODAY.

When asked whether she was thinking of self-harm and having suicidal thoughts, Markle responded saying, "Yes. This was very, very clear. Very clear and very scary. I didn't know who to turn to in that."

During this time, there was one incident that particularly stands out where Markle accompanied her husband for an event at the Royal Albert Hall, according to BBC.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle at the Creative Industries and Business Reception at the British High Commissioners residence to meet with representatives of the British and South African business communities, including local youth entrepreneurs on October 2, 2019 in Johannesburg, South Africa. (Photo by Dominic Lipinski - Pool)

"Right before we had to leave for that (event), I had just had that conversation with Harry that morning," said Meghan.

"That you don't want to be alive anymore?" Oprah asked.

"Yeah," Markle replied.

The only reason she attended the event with her husband was that she could not be "left alone" that night.

Markle still remembers the way Prince Harry tightly gripped her hand as they were inside the hall; nobody might have noticed that the then-pregnant Duchess of Sussex shed tears while the lights were dimmed and then pasted a smile back on her face when the lights were back.

"I can’t be left alone; I'm afraid of what I might do," Markle told Oprah through tears, as reported by USA TODAY.


While speaking to Oprah, Prince Harry also revealed the state of his relationship with the senior royals who, for him, are more than just people that hold heavy monarchial titles but are his own family.

Revealing how his bond with Queen Elizabeth is still strong, Prince Harry said, "I have spoken more with my grandmother in the last year than I have done in many, many years. My grandmother and I have a really good relationship and a good understanding," as quoted by People.

A relationship that did take a hit in his life was the one he shares with his father, Prince Charles, who has been widely blamed for being unsupportive as his own late wife, Princess Diana went through similar times of emotional turmoil while she was alive.

Princess Diana would often find comfort in the letters and fan mail while living a lonely life behind the closed doors of the palace. The warmth with which she greeted the public, while hiding her own emotional turmoil, gained her the title of "People's Princess". (Photo from October 1983, sourced from Princess Diana Archive/Getty Images)

"There's a lot to work through there. I feel really let down because he's been through something similar," Prince Harry added. "He knows what pain is like. And Archie's his grandson. Of course, I will always love him, but there's a lot of hurt that's happened. And I will continue to make it one of my priorities to try and heal that relationship."

As for the relationship with his brother, Prince William, he said according to USA TODAY, "I love him to bits, we've been through hell together, we had a shared experience, but we’re on different paths... the relationship is spaced at the moment. And, you know, time heals all things, hopefully."

If you or someone you know shows signs of suicidal thoughts, please reach out to 1-800-273-8255 (NCPL) or suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

Cover image source: Getty Images | Photos by (L) Dan Istitene and (R) Clodagh Kilcoyne

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