Do you sometimes make excuses to avoid having sex? Do you go over the grocery list in your head when your partner is being intimate with you? Sexual incompatibility could be the reason.
Are you a couple that says, "I'd rather cuddle than have sex" or "I'd rather cuddle, then have sex?"
Your answer to that could entirely depend on how great or mediocre things have been in the bedroom for you and your partner.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to having a great sex life with your partner, but being sexually compatible could certainly be one of the factors behind a happy, successful relationship or marriage. However, if you find yourself dreading the idea of being intimate with your partner or making excuses to avoid having sex, it could be because you and your partner are sexually incompatible. On the surface, you might have an extremely happy relationship, but in the bedroom, you might feel like you're settling for vanilla when you can have a decadent scoop of butter pecan.
If the following six signs sound familiar to you, it could mean that you and your partner are not sexually compatible.
Everything might be going fine until your mind uncontrollably starts to wander and think about everything but what's going on in bed. Suddenly, you are reminding yourself that you're out of foot cream, or worse, you're fantasizing about somebody else while you're in the act with your current partner. It could mean that "this person you are with is just not enough to get you turned on," relationship expert Audrey Hope told Bustle.
Feeling the need to fake the big O could be a sign of "lack of trust and a breakdown in communication" with your partner, according to Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW. Faking it not only robs you of the chance to climax, but it also affects your emotional intimacy with your partner. Only a few things are as effective as an orgasm to grow closer to your partner because it helps in the release of oxytocin, which is the love hormone that makes you feel more connected, according to a study published in 2014 in the journal Communication Monographs, reported Everyday Health.
When your partner makes the move and you go with it only because you don't want to hurt their feelings, it could be because your sexual incompatibility is rearing its head. "If sex is starting to feel monotonous it may be a sign that the relationship is becoming a routine," Hershenson told Bustle. No longer being excited about sex could be because of several reasons such as not being physically and emotionally connected with your partner, or you're just plain bored and you're craving some experimentation in bed.
Having the same sex drive is probably one of the biggest blessings in a relationship. But unfortunately, "the single most common reason couples come in for sex therapy is because of mismatched sex drives," Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and licensed psychotherapist wrote for Lifehacker, as quoted by Romper. Mismatched sex drives would mean that your partner wants to have sex more frequently or less frequently than you do, and this can over time cause resentment and put a strain on your relationship.
There is absolutely nothing alarming about having different preferences or wanting to explore different positions in bed, but it's definitely a red flag when your partner shames you or leaves you embarrassed for voicing your desires. It is important to "respect your partner’s feelings. Any attempt to forbid behavior or control what your partner desires is likely a sign that you’re not compatible," said Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, sexologist and relationship expert, PhD, according to Elite Daily.
Despite repeated attempts, failing to strike a balance between both of your needs, or seeing your partner's refusal to compromise shows a clear sign of sexual incompatibility. It's essential that both you and your partner understand each other's needs and try to find common ground. And it's a definite problem "if one partner believes that they’re entitled to unilaterally dictate how often you have sex," said Dr. Jess. The willingness to listen and be accommodative is itself a huge step when it comes to amping up the fun when the lights go out.
Disclaimer: This article is based on information collated from different sources. The views expressed here are those of the writer.